Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
