Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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