if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
