hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
do nipples grow back?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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