flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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