This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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