WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
