so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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