I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
