I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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