the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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