i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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