Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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