She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
