Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
