Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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