I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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