watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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