Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
