Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
