I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
All the doctor said was why
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
