My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
