I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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