Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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