those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
