shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
