when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just had sex on a roof
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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