i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
50% drunk capacity currently
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
