at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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