Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
