I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
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He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize