And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
