So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And then my night got REAL pukey
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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