There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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