im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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