I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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