My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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