god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
