only you would photoshop your dick
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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