Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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