You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
