this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
