Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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