I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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