I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
