i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
