is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
