We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
