My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
