Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
